The shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between the milk and the yoghurt.
- Calvin Triflin

If a man could be crossed with a cat, it would improve the man but it would deteriorate the cat.
- Mark Twain

Two can live as cheaply as one — if the both have good jobs.
- Freud

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it is on your plate — that's my philosophy.
- Thorton Wilder

A Master of Art is not worth a fart.
- Andrew Boorde

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us but for ours to amuse them — a diminishing number in my case.
- Evelyn Waugh

Give me a dozen such heartbreaks if that would help me lose a couple of pounds.
- Lolette

Let us embrace and from this very moment vow an eternal misery together.
- Thomas Otway

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.
- Garrison Keillor

Insane people are always sure that they are fine.  It's only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.
- Nora Ephron

If every word I said could make you laugh, I'd talk forever.
- Anonymous

Part of the joy of dancing is conversation.  Trouble is, some men can't dance and talk at the same time.
- Ginger Rogers

‎"Tragedy and humor are but two aspects of what is real and whether we see the tragic or humorous is a matter of perspective." - Arnold Beisser

‎"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?" ~Erma Bombeck

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
- Anonymous

If at first you don't succeed, you'll get plenty of advice.
- Anonymous

God was left out of the constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country.
- Mark Twain

I can find no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Luck is the dividend of sweat...the more you sweat, the luckier you get.
- Anonymous

Never look back.  That's the way you fall down the stairs.
- Rudolf Nureyev